The steps to become a better listener
We often think of ourselves as good listeners, but when it comes to practice it is quite disappointing.
With these 4 tips, however, you will become a better listener than before.
A quarter of the story actually reaches us, the research shows. Often times we are actually just waiting to be able to say something back - preferably about ourselves. Or we drift somewhere else with our minds. (what shall I eat tonight?)
How well can you listen?
That's a shame, because we build our relationships with others by listening to who they are and what they mean, says American professor emeritus and listening expert Michael Purdy.
It does not matter whether you agree with what they say. By listening you show: I am interested in you as a person and I respect your opinion. Not only does this lead to closer friendships, it also helps you with your career, for example.
Moreover, listening is our primary source of growth and intellectual development, says Purdy: "When we talk, we share a lot of our knowledge, when we listen, we learn." Something strange happens, psychologist and coach Anne de Jong adds: 'We listen better. to things we already know, which fit our frame of reference, then to new information and insights. While we can learn something from that. "
Listening is also healthy. When we talk, our blood pressure shoots up and our system goes into a state of excitement. As soon as we listen, our blood pressure drops and we relax. Enough reasons to get better at it: these four pieces of advice will help.
1. Make listening important
We think listening is an automatic process that we don't need to pay attention to, says listening expert Andrew Wolvin of Purdue University in the US. But it is not correct.
In order to listen carefully, he believes it is important to remember that we share responsibility for the outcome of a conversation. It therefore requires an active attitude.
How much effort that takes depends on how you grew up, says Anne de Jong. "I myself come from a family in which listening was paramount, but in many families, people talk happily together. Then you have to train yourself to listen. Always consciously decide: I'm not going to say anything now, the other person is speaking. "
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2. Pay attention
We can take in information four times faster than the average speaking rate, says Wolf. This leaves us brain capacity for other activities.
This has a disadvantage: "In that mental space our attention can wander, causing us to lose focus." So focus your attention completely on the conversation and make sure there are no distractions. Especially your mobile phones, they better stay in your bags.
Researchers at the University of Essex discovered that the mere presence of a telephone on the table means that we experience less connectedness during a conversation and therefore listen less well.
3. Put your opinion aside for a moment
Most people don't listen with the intention of understanding, but to answer and to give advice.
According to the famous therapist Carl Rogers, it is a major obstacle that we start from our own frame of reference and from there form an immediate picture of what the other is saying. As a result, we no longer listen, but we are especially eager to give our opinions or advice.
This applies even more when there are strong emotions at play. De Jong: "If someone has a problem or is afraid or sad, we go into help mode. Then we propose solutions or say things like: “It will be fine,” while of course we don't know this for sure at all. It is often better to listen carefully and at most keep asking: "How is that for you?" than reassuring them with positive words only.
4. Be modest with your own experiences
"Oh, I went through that too." As soon as someone starts talking about experiences or problems, we pretend to know and throw in our own experiences.
That's because talking about ourselves activates reward areas in our brain scan, a research at Harvard University showed. And when it feels so nice to talk about ourselves, we of course do not listen carefully to the other.
By the way, we also mean it nicely, because that's how we try to let the other person know: you are not the only one. But talking about himself makes the other person feel not really interested, says management expert Raj Soin of Wright State University.
"That does not mean that it is never useful to share your own experiences. That can be reassuring. But you try a bite in doing so hold back. "
Psychologist and author, Anne De Jong emphasizes that putting yourself in another place is important. "You don't do that by talking about yourself, but by showing that you have compassion. For example, say, "I can well imagine how painful it is for you, how good it is to tell you about it". "
By consciously training yourself to listen, you will do that more automatically in daily life. This makes it easier to swallow experiences or advice.
Agree with your partner or a friend that the other person will tell you something about what he or she has been through for 10 minutes and that you are only listening. You can nod encouragingly or say things like "Yeah," "Hmm, hmm" or "Tell me more." Then you can switch roles.
Psychologist Anne de Jong: "Suppress the tendency to ask curious questions in between. Often the other will answer your questions instead of following their own narrative track. Afterwards you can say what the told did to you, what feelings and thoughts it evoked in you. Discuss how you both experienced it. "
In the coach training that she provides, De Jong does this exercise with students. "I often hear that they thought it was very special that they were allowed to speak continuously for 10 minutes without interruption. And also that listening without asking questions is very pleasant, because then you can be with the other person with your full attention. "
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