Clinical psychologist Iva Bicanic on child abuse
Child abuse occurs in all environments and often parents do not notice it, says clinical psychologist Iva Bicanic. "When you have a good relationship, your child wants to protect you."
"Child abuse sucks. So mean, so devastating. "Clinical psychologist Iva Bicanic says it from the bottom of her heart, but her tone is cheerful.
Sexual abuse does this to your brain
Victims of abuse in youth care will have until February 2017 to submit a claim,
Iva Bicanic, head of the Sexual Violence Center and the National Psychotrauma Center at UMC Utrecht, has been working with children and young people who have experienced abuse for twenty years.
Their stories stimulate her in a positive way, she says: "Because there is almost always something to fix. Then I think: come to work, Iva! "
She tells about Frank, an 18-year-old boy, who had been touched and raped by his swimming trainer from the age of 13. Frank was consumed with guilt. Because he hadn't resisted and even got turned on during the abuse.
It was only after many therapeutic sessions and with the support of his parents that he could accept that it was not his fault. "That finally released the grief about everything he had missed because of the abuse."
That would give Iva Bicanic so many more abused children: that they dare to reveal their secret and receive support from those around them. Plus good therapy.
"Because without treatment, almost half of these children will get stuck in life because of unprocessed emotions and memories. It can also help prevent recurrence, as half of the abused children will experience abuse again later. "
Together with sex lawyer Richard Korver, she wrote Close to Home, a guide for parents of children who have been sexually assaulted. With explanations and tips on how parents and others can best support abused children.
Every child is at risk for sexual abuse, so any parent can be affected, register Close to Home. Isn't that an exaggeration?
Iva Bicanic: "The last thing I want is to scare parents. But I think we should stop looking away. In every primary school class there is at least one child who is sexually abused and from the age of twelve the risk of sexual abuse increases sharply.
One in three minors indicates that they have ever experienced some form of (online) sexual violence. We still don't want to believe the problem is so big.
And so close: in 85 percent of the cases, the perpetrators are known and it happens close to home, in the family, at school, at the sports club. "
Which families are most vulnerable to abuse?
Iva Bicanic: "Victims and perpetrators of abuse are known to have experienced more than average neglect, abuse and domestic violence in their youth. But it happens everywhere, in all environments. “That doesn't happen in our circles” I often hear when I give lectures to fellow psychologists or judges.
Oh no? In my consulting room I see the most articulate, warm and well-attached families. And even in such a family it can take years before a child comes out with it. If that happens at all.
We know that one in three abused men and one in four abused women never told. Those who do often don't reveal it until they're adults. "
If you have a good relationship, don't you notice that your child is bothered?
Iva Bicanic: "I would also like that to be true. Some of the abused children suffer from sleeping problems, a short fuse or concentration problems. But those signals can also point to another problem. Moreover, you do not notice anything at all in a third to half of the abused children.
And it is precisely when you have a good relationship that your child wants to protect you. A child like that, be it 7 or 14, is 100 percent certain: when this comes to the table, my parents will be terribly sad. Or angry. That child is right, because all parents fail.
Have you grown after a setback?
So children remember: I'm not going to tell you this now, I'll tell you when I'm an adult. At that point, they think it's a piece of cake: I'll just cut it out of my life. "
Are there any more reasons why children should remain silent about abuse?
Iva Bicanic: "Often they don't realize what is going on in the beginning. When you are little you don't know what abuse is. It's not on TV, nobody's talking about it. It just feels strange, without you being able to put into words.
Some children get it through class about spring fever or they read something in a book. Suddenly the penny drops. But then they also realize: I'm in it, I can't get out. "
And then?
Iva Bicanic: "Then they often lead a double life, amputating the abuse, as it were"
”: Every day they pretend it's not happening. In this way they bring their stress level down and they keep up with daily life. Eight-year-old children are already very adept at this.
At one point they think: did I dream that sex thing or hear from someone? They often also feel: when it comes out, something big is going to happen, they just don't know exactly what.
Sometimes they are scared: I'm going to hurt your mom, I'm going to kill myself, mom and dad are breaking up. Those threats cause a deep, deep fear. "
It also happens that sexual acts for a child only later start to feel like abuse, you describe in your book.
Iva Bicanic: "Yes, that happens, for example, when a child finds out that Grandpa had more favorites and the relationship with him was not that special at all. I have children in therapy who cry terribly because they have lost that person.
Their grief is never about the sex part, they are happy to get rid of it. But they lack the attention that they were seen and appreciated. The confusing thing about sexual abuse is that there is usually also something pleasant, something pleasant that attracts. "
Is that why so many abused children struggle with feelings of guilt?
Iva Bicanic: "Yes, they often experience it as largely their own fault. The arrows go in almost automatically. Most children are also not bogged down by the sexual acts associated with the abuse. In retrospect, they are mainly troubled by their damning judgment about their own behavior.
Why didn't I do anything? Why did I keep going back? I treated a girl who had been abused by her grandfather. "Come on, come on," he shouted as he sat on the bed. What kept her up at night wasn't about what happened in that bed, it was about those five steps she took herself each time, from the doorway to the bed.
Children who are trapped in the web of abuse for a long time sometimes also take the initiative themselves. In this way they hope to prevent worse. They can also feel terribly guilty about that afterwards. "
How do children keep up?
Iva Bicanic: "They often have a few ways to escape: school, the sports club, an uncle or aunt with whom they feel safe. But these options have largely disappeared in the recent period. I am afraid that many abused children have had a terribly difficult time when the schools were closed.
In such a situation, stress increases, causing children to eat a lot more or injure themselves, for example. Or they seek solace online - with the accompanying chance of falling into the hands of other people with wrong intentions. "
What can you do for abused children?
Iva Bicanic: "Most of the children who come to me have post-traumatic stress disorder: they don't manage to come to terms with what happened. They often suffer from re-experiences, sleeping problems and negative thoughts.
The first thing I do is try to take away the fierceness and the charge from the re-experiences. Usually with EMDR. Then I help them to think differently: that they have displayed normal victim behavior, that they had nowhere to go and that they cooperated to survive.
Many children suffer from the hindsight bias: they judge the original situation with today's knowledge. 15-year-olds find it incomprehensible that they did not punch their neighbor at the time. I often ask them to bring a picture of themselves when the abuse started.
“Ah, what a cute kid you were when you were 9 years old. What size shoes did you have? Do you see how small you were? ” In this way I try to let them look at how it was then, and that they are not to blame. "
What do you advise parents who find out their child has been abused?
Iva Bicanic: "To stay as calm as possible. Disruption, panic and anger are understandable reactions. Find an outlet for this, so that you can remain calm in the presence of your child. I notice in the consulting room that parents' emotions can hit children hard: sometimes they have more impact than the abuse itself.
It is also important that parents dare to let go of their child after a while. In the beginning, children are often afraid and it is nice when parents offer extra protection. But when the resilience returns, they want to go out into the world again.
Fifteen-year-old girls want to cycle with friends, that's normal. Normalizing this is difficult for parents. Control offers something to hold on to, but it is a false sense of security. A child has more confidence. "
Speaking of trust: do you still have faith in other people?
Iva Bicanic: "If I were to fully realize how widespread sexual abuse is, I would lock my two teenagers in the barn. You can't live like that, so they go wherever they want. I don't want to make them scared.
But I am the same
Vulnerable as any parent: I know that my children too can experience something bad that they keep away from me in order to protect me. And I find it difficult to make it clear to them that dear people we trust can also cross the border with you. "
Can you arm children against abuse?
Iva Bicanic: "You can talk to them, but that does not guarantee. When my kids were young, I used to play games with them: if the neighbor tells you to take your pants down, what do you do? And if the babysitter crawls into bed with you? I don't know if that helps, I think it was more hopeful thinking.
I also talked to them about wishes and limits, that you are in charge of your buttocks and things like that. Now that they are in puberty, I no longer have an entrance: "Yes, she's coming back." I don't really believe in resilience training, more research should be done on that.
You cannot make small children resistant to grown-ups who do bad things to them. The most important thing we can do is invest in safe families. For example, let's guide people who have been abused and are about to form a family of their own. "
Why is that so important?
Iva Bicanic: "Because children of abused parents are more at risk of becoming victims of abuse as well. That's because victims of long-term abuse turn off their feelings.
If they have a child while they are still “sedated”, they don't really feel what their child needs. Such a child wants to be seen and will seek attention elsewhere. With all its consequences.'
Did MeToo help put child abuse higher on the agenda?
Iva Bicanic: "MeToo is about adults who cross borders with other adults. That is a far cry from the children I deal with. If a new MeToo movement ever emerges, it should be about the bystanders.
It is very important that they respond empathically, as with other violent events, and that does not always happen. Do you know someone who has been abused, do or say something that gives comfort. "
Iva Bicanic (1972) is head of the national Psychotrauma Center for children up to 25 years of age at the Wilhelmina Children's Hospital (UMC Utrecht) and national coordinator of the Center for Sexual Violence. In 2018 she was named the most influential person in public health and in 2020 she received the Woman in the Media award.
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