Key to an authentic life: it doesn't have to be perfect
Showing yourself with all your imperfections is key to an authentic life, according to bestselling author Brené Brown. But how do you silence a stubborn inner critic? During the three-day workshop The daring way, participants learn to deal with their obstacles.
"I think you are indeed a rebellious type." Surprised, I almost choke on my food when a fellow student tells me this. In the lunch break on day two of the three-day workshop The power of vulnerability, developed by the well-known American researcher and professor Brené Brown, we talk with a few people about the past.
Why vulnerability makes you stronger
We like to show the world the best version of ourselves. Weaknesses are there to hide. But w...
I just told you that I was leaving home when I was seventeen because things had not been going so well at home for a while. And suddenly those words come, like a wasp sting: "I do think you are a rebellious type." That sentence, spoken carelessly, feels like a negative judgment, and that touches me. Of course she didn't mean it negatively, she says later. But still I can't get rid of it.
When we get back to work and psychologist Marjon Bohré calls the eight participants together, I sit down with a head spinning with thoughts. Wouldn't that student like me? Did I say something wrong, or did I speak too often?
It makes me feel vulnerable all of a sudden - like it's not okay who I am. But hey, I think, wasn't that what this training was all about?
Dare to be imperfect
The daring way, as the three-day workshop is called in American, is based on The power of vulnerability. In that book and in her witty, much-watched TED Talks, Brené Brown explains that vulnerability - showing yourself as you are, with all your imperfections and insecurities - is not bad at all, but a necessary condition for being able to live life fully and authentically. But because we associate vulnerability with weakness and fear rejection, we do everything we can to avoid it. With that we also deprive ourselves of a lot.
Brown spent years researching shame, vulnerability, courage and empathy. Based on the thousands of interviews she conducted, she found that people who are not afraid to show themselves and dare to make their dreams come true do not allow themselves to be held back by insecurity, fear of failure or fear of rejection or exclusion.
It is not that they have all these feelings less than others, they just do not let it stop them and bring on the courage to be vulnerable nonetheless. They dare to be imperfect and fail, time and time again if necessary. And that is a good thing, because otherwise change, development or growth would not be possible, says Brené Brown.
The workshop revolves around three pillars: show up, be seen, live brave. In other words: be present and dare to really show yourself, so that you can live boldly and fully. Marjon Bohré is one of two certified trainers (or facilitators, as it is officially called) in the Netherlands who are allowed to give Brown's workshop, but the only one who offers the full three-day. In the videos we watch, Brown talks about her research results, laced with anecdotes full of honesty and humor about her own "street fight" with vulnerability.
We also do exercises, tests and exchange personal stories in groups. We also receive many creative assignments. `` To create is to make something that didn't exist before, '' says Brown, and `` nothing is more vulnerable than that. '' Because when you show something inside of you that is then rejected, it doesn't feel like a judgment of what you're doing, but about who you are.
Critical voices
I recognize that. I have been working on the biography of Thea Beckman for four years now, and I also like to write fiction. Actually, that has been a dream all my life, and yet I can't get it off the ground. There is never enough time, not enough money, a lot of work and other worries. But I am gradually wondering: could there not actually be something else, a blockage at a deeper level?
"We usually don't need anyone else to talk ourselves down," Bohré responds. "Thoughts of comparison and scarcity are particularly obstructive. You see, she does manage it, or: she is much better at that than I am. And how often do we hear ourselves say we don't have the time or money for something, or give other reasons why we don't succeed? "
Brown's method aims to make you aware of such beliefs and voices within. When Bohré asks us to write down what our inner critics have to say, it doesn't take much effort for me: you're a wimp, you just have to be more disciplined.
Why something "nice" for you lf do what is not profitable, if sufficient bread on the table must be ensured? In addition, you have to be there for others when they need you. And a very nasty one: there are plenty of writers who can do it, so it's really up to you. The world is not waiting for you!
Phew. With voices like that you don't need enemies anymore, I realize, and that makes me laugh again. All other participants have their own variation on this theme; we are greatly hindered by all the often unconscious critical voices in our heads. Bohré nods understandingly.
"Often the voices sound all too familiar, but we don't know the cause yet. It is good to gain insight into that, because only then can it change. "
Authentic living
This brings us to the core concept of the workshop: shame, according to Brown the greatest limiting factor in human life. A subject that no one likes to talk about, but that we definitely cannot ignore. Shame and guilt are often confused, but the distinction is important, according to Brown and Bohré.
Guilt focuses on behavior, while feelings of shame focus on the self. The voice of guilt says, I did something wrong (often leading to excuses or making amends), but the voice of shame says, I am bad. Someone who is troubled by shame talk, therefore judges himself negatively on who he is, his being.
'People who manage to live life fully and authentically suffer from shame just like everyone else,' says Brown on the video, 'but they recognize the signals and know how to deal with them, so they don't let them guide them . '
Think, for example, of someone who has to give a lecture in front of a large hall or an actor or singer who is very nervous just before a performance, but still goes on that stage. So the trick is not to try to stop feeling shame, Brown explains, but to recognize it and learn to cope.
Bohré therefore asks us to draw a picture of what shame looks and feels like for us personally. I stick. Shit, I can't draw at all, it flashes right through me.
I understand that this touches on my blockade: the vulnerability of creating. I don't really understand where it comes from exactly. Have I ever got the feeling that I can't, or that I shouldn't fail? Or that I have nothing valuable to share?
I realize that it doesn't matter in this workshop whether or not I can draw well, so I make a simple figure that shrinks into a black puddle that flows down a drain. Actually, I am quite happy with the end result.
"This is my" black hole, "I say. "That's what I call the feeling of shame about myself when I was criticized or rejected. Then I felt completely worthless, as if I better not exist. I disappeared into some kind of black hole. Fortunately, this doesn't bother me as much as I used to. I'm not going all the way through that well now. "
Comforting
Yet it is not completely gone, I suddenly realize - given my concern about the comment of that fellow student earlier today. The feeling of not being good enough, not good as I am, dates back to my childhood.
On the one hand, I often felt "too": too ardent, too enthusiastic, too obstinate (or rebellious), too different, too honest, too cocky, or whatever. On the other hand, I never felt nice, handsome, smart or slim enough, not original or colorful enough. As a result, I adapted, made myself small, and allowed others to cross my boundaries too often.
There is also a lot going on with the others. It is reassuring and tragic at the same time that we all turn out to be struggling with the feeling of not being good enough or of not being important. Stories are shared about depression, anxiety, psychosis, divorces. "Messages of shame come in all kinds of ways, in our education, in society, through the church, in relationships," says Bohré.
"If you don't understand how shame affects your life, it has a hold on you. Shame forms a vicious circle of withdrawal, silence, and self-condemnation, and is far more sweeping and destructive than guilt. It isolates a person from themselves and from others, and makes them much more prone to depression, addiction, suicide, eating disorders, working hard, ignoring too much, perfectionism, and so on. "
We all recognize something from that list; I myself, for example, perfectionism and an (almost) eating disorder in the past, ignoring and working hard now. One of the other ladies takes the floor, audibly emotional.
"Yes, I'm just going to say it ... I'm an alcoholic ..." She hesitates. "So say ... This is the first time that I dare to acknowledge that out loud." She lets her tears run free, visibly relieved, a
little bit of liberator.
The group comes to a standstill, then it starts raining statements of support. This is the power of vulnerability at its purest. Showing yourself in all your imperfections feels like weakness to yourself, but is a testimony of courage to someone else. And change also begins with that step, because feelings of shame no longer need to be suppressed or numbed and slowly lose their influence.
It's an important insight: we all fail, all day long. We are all imperfect. And that's okay.
Before we return home, we are given another assignment: tonight we have to creatively depict our thoughts and feelings around shame and authenticity. There is no wrong way to do that, Bohré repeats a few times.
I chuckle - of course, creating a work of art is just the right challenge for me. But I'm having dinner tonight, so I don't really have time. On the train back home, I decide to reverse that obstructive thought of scarcity and replace it with "there is all the time". Besides, it didn't have to be perfect, right?
Regardless of the pressure to perform
The next morning I am late, I miss the train and I also forget my notebook. Instead of blaming myself, I tidily app Marjon that I am practicing very well in failure without feeling guilty or ashamed of it. She replies with a smiley face and #worked.
With coffee and apple pie we present our artwork, with a story to accompany it. I tell about the two paintings I have made: a childish drawing of a doll surrounded by everything that hinders my creativity, and one on which I went about freely with splashes and splashes. "Which was nicer to make?" Asks Bohré. "Absolutely the free one," I laugh.
Everything comes along, from a jar of shells to a charm bracelet, collage or bouquet of wild flowers. "Wow, her design and story are really much better," I think admiringly at some of the presentations, and I laugh at myself - of course others do it better or better. But does this mean that my contribution is not worthwhile?
Moreover, I know one thing for sure: I have had the courage to show myself in all imperfection with my wild creation. And making something so free and independent of expectations or pressure to perform was also very nice to do.
That's how I have to approach writing, I realize: writing because I like to do it and enjoy it, without demanding that it be stellar.
To give writing more freedom, I'm going to disconnect it from work or performance and just try to write what bubbles up from within. To this end, I am going to create a separate place for the part of my writing that is not "work". A writing spot, all for me, yes!
I can literally and figuratively take up more space for what I think is important. That prospect makes me happy, although I also find it very exciting. Those books will come, even if it may take a few more years and I will probably have to fight a few street fights with myself.
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