If your desire to have children is a breaking point
Do you give up love when one wants children and the other doesn't? These people do. "I was very disappointed that he did not grant me that happiness."
"As a gay man, did I have to want children?"
Joost (34) had already figured out how he could have a child when his friend dropped out.
At the relationship psychologist: Children
Menno regarded children as a past station in his life. When his younger girlfriend Ruby ...
From an early age I wanted a family with four children. When I found out I was gay, it seemed impossible; After all, for gay men, having children is not a matter of course. But when Paul de Leeuw adopted two children, my desire to have children flared up again. I wanted to put something of myself in the world, something that lives on.
When I was 29 I got a friend who was open to children. We were thinking about adoption or foster parenting. Later, a lesbian friend said in a conversation that if she ever wanted children, I was the father of dreams. A child from our friendship, that seemed like something to me.
When I presented the possibility to my friend, he initially responded positively. But later that turned around. He felt that the desire to have children belonged to me and the mother-to-be. He would feel like an outsider and renounced it. I was shocked that he had made this decision without talking to me first. Felt faced with a fait accompli.
I wondered if I still wanted this relationship now that a wish that was so deep to me had just been pushed aside. In the weeks that followed, the relationship cooled. I no longer had a conversation partner and felt lonely. I wondered again whether I should really want this as a gay man. But it turned out that there were even information evenings for gay men with a desire to have children, and after being there, I was more likely to bring up the topic of "children" when I met a nice man.
Fortunately, having children is not a taboo for my current boyfriend. I can picture parenting with him. The lesbian girlfriend is now focused on her career and has no plans for children. Still, I am confident that that family will come left or right. "
"You can no longer persuade a woman in her late 30s"
Tom (42) thought he had found the mother of his children. But she didn't want to.
It is often thought that women want children and men do not. But for me it is the other way around. I have a nice job, I live in a nice house and I have traveled a lot. Starting a family is the next step for me. At work I have many younger colleagues who are already fathers. When they talk about their family, I feel a loss. It's as if they move on and I stand still. Still, I'm starting to accept that it may never happen.
I work in technology, there are not many nice women to be found there. But I did meet her four years ago. For me she was the ideal wife and future mother of my children. We could talk well and had the same passion for photography. When we went on holiday together that summer and saw many children playing, I decided to carefully tell her about my desire to have children.
To my surprise she did not want children. That night we talked about it, but soon we got into a "how stupid you want / don't want them" conversation. I tried to persuade her for a while, but realized that a woman in her late 30s has already thought a lot about this subject.
For me my desire to have children was crucial and after the holidays we decided to split up. I was in a hurry because I didn't want to be an old dad and started dating again. That yielded little. My friends say I am too critical. Last year I was tired of being so obsessed with it. It really didn't make me a nicer person. I let go of the desire and now also start to appreciate that living without children also provides a lot of freedom. "
"He already had a child and thought it was enough"
Ingrid (46) gave up her relationship but never had children in the end.
I always wanted a family, but I didn't get into a serious relationship until I was 38. When my sister said she was trying to get pregnant, I didn't want to wait any longer. I felt such a longing. I discussed my desire to have children with my boyfriend. He already had a child and thought it was enough. I was very disappointed that he did not grant me this happiness and tried to change his mind - to no avail.
Time was running out, I was now 41. If it didn't work out together, then alone, I thought and ended the relationship. I already had entrances to the fertility clinic through my sister. The first IVF attempt was immediately successful, but it turned out to be a child with Down's syndrome.
On the ultrasound we saw abnormalities of the heart and brain. I was faced with a great dilemma. I wanted to keep the baby but wouldn't
t consciously give a more difficult and dependent life because of the disability. I thought that was too much of a burden for my child. The pregnancy was terminated. I still remember that terrible emptiness I felt when I said goodbye. I still held her and gave her a name.
Six days before I turned 44 was the eleventh and last IVF attempt. The moment that also failed, my sister was in hospital with blood poisoning. She fought for her life. My bad experience was momentarily suppressed. Fortunately, my sister made it through and had a child. The blood poisoning left her with a slight brain damage, which is why I take care of my nephew often and with great pleasure. But it is still painful that I did not have a child of my own. "
"Whatever choice we made, it wouldn't make either of us happy"
Anne-Marie (50) felt breathless when having a child seemed to be the inevitable next step in her relationship.
I had no clear-cut ideas about the future. I never got further than some abstract wishes - travel, freedom, writing and love. What I knew for sure: the standard package “getting married and having children” was not for me. I had no desire for children or motherhood.
When I met Tom he had just returned from a jeep tour with friends. The desert sand was still in his hair, I found him wildly attractive. He was intelligent, had a sense of humor and lived with friends in a squatted farm. He lived a kind of rough-romantic life that I longed for.
But that life developed differently than I had imagined. We started living together in a terraced house to my liking too early. I was drawn three times for a journalism course and got a permanent job at a publishing house. Tom also found a permanent job. Suddenly I was ironing his shirts.
We got more and more stupid arguments about the division of tasks in the house and turned out to have completely different ideas about the future. I envisioned a free life with fascinating work where you can see a lot of the world. He was satisfied with our existence and having children seemed the logical next step. Whatever choice we made, it wouldn't make either of us happy. I saw only one way out: break the relationship.
I went on to do that journalism training after all. When I met my current boyfriend I was 34. We have talked about children. It's such a life-changing choice and thinking he would be such a nice dad, I wanted to reconsider the possibility at this stage. But he didn't want to.
We both work a lot, with passion and dedication, we travel often and have fun together. We want to keep it that way. "
"It felt like we were breaking something that was healthy"
Leonie (42) left her boyfriend because she wanted children and he didn't. Now she has two sons (1 and 3 years old).
My friend was very positive when I met him: no children. Luckily I didn't want them either. But during a Christmas vacation on the beach in India, I realized I wanted a child after all. That feeling had been dormant for a while but then it really dawned on me. The wish was so strong that I discussed it with my friend. Nothing had changed for him, he still didn't want to.
I decided to rethink it. Did I want to remain childless, with the risk that I would later blame him? Or would I take care of it alone? I filled up diaries. My boyfriend had to think about it too and decided to take a road trip with his brother. When he returned, his answer was still "No." He was afraid he wouldn't be a good father.
I didn't want to push him, but I really couldn't ignore my desire to have children. There was only one thing to do: I had to end the relationship. That was very painful. It felt like we were breaking something that was healthy. We cried a lot together.
Not long after, a friend introduced me to a gay friend who wanted to have children. He and I went out for dinner and we clicked immediately. We never stopped talking. I felt: this will become the father of my children. We started insemination soon after. I didn't get pregnant right away, yet I was confident.
Five years after that beach in India, also around Christmas, my first son was born. His father wrote on the birth announcement: "That is also possible." I am happy with the co-parenting. Since we are not love partners, there is never noise. You always know where you stand. And I am good friends with my ex. He was babysitting the eldest during the delivery of my second child - from the same father, by the way. "
Would you like to know more about an (unfulfilled) desire to have children?
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