And adoption, is it really necessary?
"Since the 1980s I have been looking more and more critically at the whole adoption phenomenon. I want to emphasize the negative consequences more so that people know what they are getting into.
At the same time I say: for children for whom foreign adoption is the only way to a reasonable existence, that should be possible. Foreign adoption isn't bad on all sides.
The atmosphere of “a right to the child” has become stronger over the past twenty years. This has to do with modern reproductive techniques. A system has emerged of: I go to the doctor to have a child, I am entitled to that treatment. And you can see that a bit in the adoption world.
I often have to deal with parents who have gone to an incredible amount of effort to have a child themselves. For years, a lot of money, a lot of effort, a lot of emotions. That desire for a child is again being abused by money grubbers for profit, in the country of origin and in the country of arrival.
But what I am certainly not disappointed in is the enormous involvement of many adoptive parents. In our latest research, on children adopted from Romanian children's homes, I was really disconcerted about their commitment and the positive effect on those children.
We found that these - severely neglected - children could almost always recover physically. Mental recovery was highly possible, but unfortunately often not complete. That is not to say that these children should not have ended up in these families: it is, because there has been a great improvement in their quality of life. But you shouldn't underestimate the problems. "
Are There Many Misunderstandings About Adoption?
"I often have to explain the same things. About the absolute care that adopted children need in the first years after arrival. If you have a three-year-old child, it is impossible for both parents to work.
The child needs a lot of attention and care, which you cannot outsource to a day-care center. That child has to get used to you for years to come, different caretakers are working against that.
Moreover, you have to approach it structurally and consistently. So no visitors at the beginning. The child must rest, and must know: these are the two people who take care of me.
But the most important thing is not to have high expectations. You spent a lot of money on it, put in a lot of effort, waited a long time, but with the adopted child you are not bringing in paradise. "
What requirements do adoptive parents have to meet?
"Three qualities are essential: patience, detachment and flexibility. If you give birth to a child yourself, you get used to each other, the child smiles at you, there is a lot of interaction. But with an adopted child of, for example, one and a half, you do not have that interaction in the beginning.
The child doesn't love you right away, it has to grow. That means a lot of patience. And flexibility: you cannot impose a standard expectation pattern of upbringing on an adopted child. An adopted child of twelve months is not comparable to your niece of twelve months.
Also keep your distance. Organic parents can tout and cuddle with their child. But the two-year-old adopted child doesn't want all those emotions at all. He is not used to attention, rather to eat too little and got beat before. So don't impose your love. And that is the fascinating thing: only when you have a distance hold, the child eventually comes to you.
Another paradox is that the more open you are about the background of the child and the biological parents, the closer you get to adoptive children. When you are closed about it, you push them away. "
René Hoksbergen continues: "I always say: you should be together on the largest possible platform, consisting of interests, love, understanding, doing things together, shared memories, and so on. When adopted, that platform is already partially cut off, the basic memories of the pregnancy and the birth are missing.
But you can make a large part of the platform. There may be an understanding of the background of your child and the desire for knowledge about the biological parents. "
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