Child abuse occurs in all environments and often parents do not notice it.
Sexual abuse is devastating. Clinical psychologist Iva Bicanic says it from the bottom of her heart.
What sexual abuse does this to your brain:
Iva Bicanic, head of the Sexual Violence Center and the National Psychotrauma Center at UMC Utrecht, has been working with children and young people who have experienced sexual abuse for twenty years.
Their stories stimulate her in a positive way, she says: "Because there is almost always something to fix."
She tells about Frank, an 18-year-old boy, who had been sexually touched and raped by his swimming trainer from the age of 13. Frank was consumed with guilt. Because he thinks that he hadn't resisted and even got turned on during the abuse.
It was only after many therapeutic sessions and with the support of his parents that he could accept that it was not his fault. "That finally released the grief about everything he had missed because of the abuse."
That would give Iva Bicanic so many more abused children: that they dare to reveal their secret and receive support from those around them.
"Without treatment, half of these children will get stuck in life because of unprocessed emotions and memories. It can also help prevent recurrence, as the abused children will experience abuse again later. "
Together with sex lawyer Richard Korver, she wrote Close to Home, a guide for parents of children who have been sexually assaulted. With explanations and tips on how parents and others can best support abused children.
Every child is at risk for sexual abuse, so any parent can be affected, register Close to Home. Isn't that an exaggeration?
Iva Bicanic: "The last thing I want is to scare parents. But I think we should stop looking away from the problem. In every primary school class there is at least one child who is sexually abused and from the age of twelve the risk of sexual abuse increases sharply.
One in three minors indicates that they have ever experienced some form of (online) sexual violence. We still don't want to believe the problem is so big.
And so close: in 85 percent of the cases, the perpetrators are known to the family and it happens close to home, in the family, at school, at the sports club.
Which families are most vulnerable to abuse?
Iva Bicanic: "Victims and perpetrators of abuse are known to have experienced more than average neglect, abuse and domestic violence in their youth. But it happens everywhere, in all environments." “That doesn't happen in our circles” I often hear that when I give lectures to fellow psychologists or judges.
In my consulting room I see the most articulate, warm and well-attached families. And even in such a family it can take years before a child comes out with it. If that confession happens at all.
We know that one in three abused men and one in four abused women never told about their experiences. Those who do often don't reveal it until they are adults.
If you have a good relationship, don't you notice that your child is bothered?
Iva Bicanic: "I would also like that to be true. Some of the abused children suffer from sleeping problems, a short fuse or concentration problems. But those signals can also point to another problem. Moreover, you do not notice anything at all in a third to half of the abused children.
And it is precisely when you have a good relationship that your child wants to protect your emotions. Such a child, be it 7 or 14, is 100 percent sure: when this comes to the table, my parents will be terribly sad, or angry. And that child is right, because all parents fail to confront the truth.
Have you grown after a setback?
Children remember: I'm not going to tell you this now, I'll tell you when I'm an adult. At that point, they think it's a piece of cake at that point: I'll just cut it out of my life.
Are there any more reasons why children are silent about abuse?
Iva Bicanic: "Often they don't realize what is going on in the beginning. When you are little you don't know what abuse is. It's not on TV, nobody's talking about it. It just feels strange, without being able to put into words.
Some children get it through class about spring fever or they read something in a book. Suddenly the penny drops. But then they also realize: I'm in it, I can't get out. "
Iva Bicanic: They often lead a double life, amputating the abuse from their emotions.
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