Dealing with narcissistic parents and spouses

 

Dealing with narcissistic parents

 

You can tactically avoid a narcissistic colleague, a narcissistic partner can show you the door if necessary. But narcissistic parents will last a lifetime. Unless you learn to protect yourself.

A child of a narcissistic father or mother depends for at least part of his life on someone who is mostly self-centered, needs constant applause, and cannot empathize with others. Every child needs a parent to learn to trust themselves and to form their own identity.

 

What are the consequences of growing up with a narcissistic parent?

The effects of growing up with narcissistic parents differ from person to person. Some children can develop into narcissists themselves due to the coldness of their parents. But much more often they develop into remarkably caring adults who go to great lengths to please the other.

 

With emphasis on the other, because when it comes to themselves, they often struggle with self-criticism, insecurity and fear of failure. As if there is a constant voice in their head saying, "You see, I told you you couldn't do it?"

 

Was I Raised by a Narcissist?

The American psychologist Nina Brown developed a checklist that you can use to test whether you were raised by narcissistic parents. The more often you say "yes" to the questions below, the more likely that at least one of your parents is a narcissist.

 

Do you feel that you have been held responsible for the feelings of one or both parents?

Did your parent seem insensitive to your feelings most of the time, or were they denied?

Were you often criticized, considered inferior, or seen as meaningless?

When a parent was angry about something, were you often a victim of his / her negative feelings?

Were you very often trying to please your parent, when you had the feeling that you were almost always inadequate?

Did your parent say things like, 'Don't you want me to feel good?', 'I feel like a failure if you ...', 'You should take care of me', 'If you really cared about me, you would do what I want'?

Did you feel that your parent never thought you were good enough?

If you said anything about your parent's insensitivity, did they think you were ungrateful, misunderstood, and should feel ashamed and guilty?

Did your parent often show you that s/he sacrificed a lot for you and that you had to show appreciation for that?

Did your parent have a clear favorite among the kids and a clear scapegoat?

 

If the answer to the question "was I raised by a narcissist?" Is "yes", then the question remains: what next?

 

1. Acceptance

What helps is the - painful - realization that you haven't had the parent you needed. And what you - consciously or unconsciously - long or have longed for. And that it will no longer come. This insight can then help to take a little more emotional distance.

 

You can break up with a narcissistic friend, you can divorce a narcissistic partner. But you cannot end a relationship with your parents.

 

And above all: no longer try in vain to improve the relationship with your parents. You can better invest this energy in yourself. And in the people who do accept you unconditionally and thus help you to get a more positive view of yourself.

 

2. Enter into confrontation

Often times, realizing the havoc narcissistic parents have wreaked in their lives makes adult "children of" decide to interact with that parent as an adult in the future. By explaining how the narcissistic behavior affects them. Or, if necessary, confront the parent in a tough way with his insensitivity and manipulations.

 

But before you have crossed the threshold with your parents, these resolutions crumble between your fingers and you are there again, as a hurt and guilt-conscious child. The parent didn't see it when you were little, and won't see it when you are an adult. What do you do then?

 

3. Put energy into yourself

To begin with, it helps to realize that narcissistic parents are not out to hurt the people they care about. They are in the process of protecting themselves and are terrified of the pain that comes when they lower their defenses. It is pointless to spend your energy attacking that impregnable line of defense.

 

Nina Brown recommends that you put your energy into yourself. Try to protect yourself as much as possible. Difficult as that may be, try to recognize that your feeling of constant inadequacy is unjustified - not only in contact with narcissistic parents, but also with others close to you.rather, attracting criticism from others, and trusting the affirmations you will undoubtedly receive that help you see yourself more positively.